“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I have many caverns
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.