Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Just grow your own

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta