I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
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BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.