I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
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Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.