I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”