Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Buck naked

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

Perfection.

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?