“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other