Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

They’re really bad with fonts.

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Me buying fruit and veg

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again