“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no