Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Midwest trash talk

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.