Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

😂😂

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope