Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

When I pack too much for a short trip.