Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic