I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
You Might Also Like
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Here to help
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.