Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

*checks Timeline*…

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.