I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
i can’t wait that long
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming