I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Noted.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan