I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
S/o to @funTweeters .
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
ok like just. call me at this point
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.