if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.