I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
A friend sent me this.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
10/10 no notes
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”