I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
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Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
found this cool rock hiking today
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Me trying to look natural in photos
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
Dietest Coke
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.