I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…