Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.