Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.