I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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Only $139.95! Act now!
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.