Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Oh we’ve met.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…