Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

I know this now 😂

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?