I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”