I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
This hospital has everything
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!