I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
the greatest twitter interaction
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.