Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.