I just checked Web MD and I have everything
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Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Ferrari squats
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa