I just checked Web MD and I have everything
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Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Yes my dude
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
being a writer on Twitter:
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top