I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Very good news from my accountant
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.