I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
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Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin