Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.