I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
You Might Also Like
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.