Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”
You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5: my brother lets me play with his
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Kids we are running late let’s go!
*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.