I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Thrilling chase underway
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time