@ReeseButCallMeV

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

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@Lisa_Bizzle

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

@NickBossRoss

“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”

@iRowlf

You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.

@KentWGraham

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

@AndyAsAdjective

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

@TweetPotato314

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

@iinkedZombie

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

@Kids_kubed

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

@philco816

Kids we are running late let’s go!

*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*

@NYC_Blonde

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.