Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Lmao 😁

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school