I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.