I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Your honor these allegations are
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.