I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
No one:
London landlords:
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”