I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
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I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
could’ve been anyone
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.