Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?