Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

mom gave me mine for free

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

why neck hurt

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

plant them where lol

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*