“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
You Might Also Like
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*limbos under the caution tape
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
you stereotypes are all alike
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”