“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
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I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer
“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*