Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

sensitive skin

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.