Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

welp

giddy up Office Depot

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.