I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
That’s easy for you to say
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.