I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
“FRAAANCE!”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.