Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!