I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
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When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me :
All Day At Night
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spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
greetings!
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up