Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.