Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

Möther may I have a snäck

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

OH. COME. ON.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision