Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Imagine having a party on purpose.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money