i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Steam Forums
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.