Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

taking June’s advice to heart

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.