Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get off my horse you stupid moon

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Yup….perfect score!

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

Said the murderer.

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start