I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December