[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
It’s ok phone, I too have insufficient memory
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget