@MeatloafComedy

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

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@SpokeAna

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

@AmandasNotFunny

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

@ibid78

“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.

@tracietom

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

@unmehlievable

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

@Cravin4

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

@PoliUncorrect

I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is

@gylertagan

[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget