I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I think my mom just blocked me
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Tony Hawk, age 6
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.