I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
All set.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.