I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.