I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
💻🤡
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.