Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Someone is coming to fix the boiler (again) so my Friday night is about to get very hot and steamy (because I’ll be able to have a bath, not because I’m planning sexy shenanigans with the plumber)

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream