Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.