Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate