I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
