Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

Oops I deleted….

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*