Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

can I use a minion as a tampon

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Saturday

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products