I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
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“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
live long and prosper!
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?