I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
it’s finally my moment to shine
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
why am I working on Labor Day
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.