Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

Raisins are grape jerky.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified