I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
that would 100% work on me
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
